"Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" And I said, "Here am I. Send me!"
~Isaiah 6:8 NIV
"He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the LORD require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?"
~Micah 6:8 NASB

Sunday, May 11, 2014

Today, I look like a Mother

But today is not my "first" Mother's Day.

 Today is Mother’s Day, but today is not my first Mother's Day. Mother’s Day is a celebration of ALL mothers, whether you hold your children in your arms, you hold your children in your hearts because God holds them in Heaven, or you hold them inside expecting them this year.

Our story: In December 2011, Steve and were approved as Wycliffe Missionaries and invited to go to Cameroon, Africa. We knew this is what God’s will was for us so we started working on creating our partnership team. It seems interesting to us that just as we began making plans to start training and build our team that our world got flipped upside down. God never promised that our lives would be easy. He just promised that he would be there and that He was in control.

Our journey to parenthood also started in December 2011. Our story starts just after Christmas. We had been trying for our first child for about 6 months at that point. On December 26th, our lives changed for what we thought we be for the better. After much denial, we took the test and it was positive. I was pregnant. To make a long story short at our doctor’s appointment, the doctor confirmed what we suspected. The first week of the New Year, we naturally miscarried our first child between 5-6 weeks. That started a month long drive back and forth to the doctor getting blood tests to watch my HCG levels drop. It was painful and I hated it.

As only God can plan our Genesis class was doing a study of “Monster Inc. – Fighting the Monsters within You.” We were discussing greed, envy, anger, and fear. This was interesting since I was dealing with three of those.

I wrote this in my blog about the study on January 24, 2012:

“I have learned that when bad things happen to you, you have two choices. You can become bitter and angry at God and the world or you can become better and stronger. I choose to become better. ..I have found that if you are not careful that impatience can turn into anger, angry can turn into bitterness, and bitterness turns into envy. Envy is a horrible emotion. Envy not only steals your joy, but it robs you of feeling joy for someone else. Guilt speaks loudly in your ear when you are alone. What did I do wrong? You go through every moment in your mind and wonder what you could have done differently.

Our doctor told us that since it was early in the pregnancy that we didn’t have to wait to start trying again so we didn’t. The beginning of March came around and I still hadn’t gotten my period and so we took an HPT to rule that out and made an appointment with my doctor to make sure everything was ok. The doctor confirmed what we already knew. I was pregnant again. There was no way this was just my body messing with me or HCG from the previous pregnancy. Our doctor set me up with an OB specialist to see the next week. The OB did an ultrasound to confirm the pregnancy and the ultrasound measured 6 week 1 day, but no heartbeat. On Monday morning, March 26th, I knew something wasn’t right. She did an ultrasound to check things and confirmed what she already instinctively knew. I had naturally miscarried that morning. So in summary, in the first 3 months on 2012, we had been pregnant and miscarried twice.

My heart was breaking. I wanted to start 2012 over again and forget this whole year existed. After the first loss, I was devastated and depressed. After the second, I was all those things and beyond angry. I was just angry. It’s not fair. We were even planning to be missionaries and serve Him full time. How could God let this happen?

This whole time, we have been still serving with Wycliffe. We were building our team, sharing our Wycliffe ministry, and our passion for seeing the Bible available to all language groups. We were still on track to go to a two week training and orientation in Orlando, Florida.

I was more determined than ever to get our ministry started. I refused to let the Devil destroy God’s plan for the people of Cameroon. Even when I feel alone and just want to scream, God is there. While I try and find an explanation, God is there telling me He has it under control. Have I hit the acceptance stage? Hardly.

We hoped for a rainbow. Fast forward to February 2013, we got another positive pregnancy test. To say that I was anxious doesn’t even begin to describe the emotions. We called my OB and she started blood tests and wanted to do an ultrasound right away. She did a battery of tests and had me start taking progesterone and other meds because “it couldn’t hurt.” I had a picture perfect pregnancy and delivery and on October 9th, 2013, our little miracle was born.

I remember my first Mother’s Day and it was one of the hardest days of my life. Not many people knew then about our precious babies, but NOT ONE person that did know remembered. NOT ONE person wished me a happy Mother’s Day, except Steve. I felt the pain of loss and I felt like we were doing it alone.

We don’t know what God has in store for our lives as we enter the next phase in our Wycliffe ministry. We have never lost sight of the goal to get the Bible in every language that still needs one. How our ministry looks is changing. We still very much believe in the mission of Bible Translation and plan to continue with it in the future. For now, we are on a journey of faith and are striving to be the best parents to our little blessing. We believe that God will continue to provide everything that we need, just as He has been.

So today is Mother’s Day. Whether you hold your babies in your arms or Jesus holds them in Heaven, happy Mother’s Day.

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