Today, I look like a Mother

But today is not my "first" Mother's Day.

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 Today is Mother’s Day, but today is not my first Mother's Day. Mother’s Day is a celebration of ALL mothers, whether you hold your children in your arms, you hold your children in your hearts because God holds them in Heaven, or you hold them inside expecting them this year.

Our story: In December 2011, Steve and were approved as Wycliffe Missionaries and invited to go to Cameroon, Africa. We knew this is what God’s will was for us so we started working on creating our partnership team. It seems interesting to us that just as we began making plans to start training and build our team that our world got flipped upside down. God never promised that our lives would be easy. He just promised that he would be there and that He was in control.

Our journey to parenthood also started in December 2011. Our story starts just after Christmas. We had been trying for our first child for about 6 months at that point. On December 26th, our lives changed for what we thought we be for the better. After much denial, we took the test and it was positive. I was pregnant. To make a long story short at our doctor’s appointment, the doctor confirmed what we suspected. The first week of the New Year, we naturally miscarried our first child between 5-6 weeks. That started a month long drive back and forth to the doctor getting blood tests to watch my HCG levels drop. It was painful and I hated it.


As only God can plan our Genesis class was doing a study of “Monster Inc. – Fighting the Monsters within You.” We were discussing greed, envy, anger, and fear. This was interesting since I was dealing with three of those.

I wrote this in my blog about the study on January 24, 2012:

“I have learned that when bad things happen to you, you have two choices. You can become bitter and angry at God and the world or you can become better and stronger. I choose to become better. ..I have found that if you are not careful that impatience can turn into anger, angry can turn into bitterness, and bitterness turns into envy. Envy is a horrible emotion. Envy not only steals your joy, but it robs you of feeling joy for someone else. Guilt speaks loudly in your ear when you are alone. What did I do wrong? You go through every moment in your mind and wonder what you could have done differently.

Our doctor told us that since it was early in the pregnancy that we didn’t have to wait to start trying again so we didn’t. The beginning of March came around and I still hadn’t gotten my period and so we took an HPT to rule that out and made an appointment with my doctor to make sure everything was ok. The doctor confirmed what we already knew. I was pregnant again. There was no way this was just my body messing with me or HCG from the previous pregnancy. Our doctor set me up with an OB specialist to see the next week. The OB did an ultrasound to confirm the pregnancy and the ultrasound measured 6 week 1 day, but no heartbeat. On Monday morning, March 26th, I knew something wasn’t right. She did an ultrasound to check things and confirmed what she already instinctively knew. I had naturally miscarried that morning. So in summary, in the first 3 months on 2012, we had been pregnant and miscarried twice.

My heart was breaking. I wanted to start 2012 over again and forget this whole year existed. After the first loss, I was devastated and depressed. After the second, I was all those things and beyond angry. I was just angry. It’s not fair. We were even planning to be missionaries and serve Him full time. How could God let this happen?

This whole time, we have been still serving with Wycliffe. We were building our team, sharing our Wycliffe ministry, and our passion for seeing the Bible available to all language groups. We were still on track to go to a two week training and orientation in Orlando, Florida.

I was more determined than ever to get our ministry started. I refused to let the Devil destroy God’s plan for the people of Cameroon. Even when I feel alone and just want to scream, God is there. While I try and find an explanation, God is there telling me He has it under control. Have I hit the acceptance stage? Hardly.

We hoped for a rainbow. Fast forward to February 2013, we got another positive pregnancy test. To say that I was anxious doesn’t even begin to describe the emotions. We called my OB and she started blood tests and wanted to do an ultrasound right away. She did a battery of tests and had me start taking progesterone and other meds because “it couldn’t hurt.” I had a picture perfect pregnancy and delivery and on October 9th, 2013, our little miracle was born.

I remember my first Mother’s Day and it was one of the hardest days of my life. Not many people knew then about our precious babies, but NOT ONE person that did know remembered. NOT ONE person wished me a happy Mother’s Day, except Steve. I felt the pain of loss and I felt like we were doing it alone.

We don’t know what God has in store for our lives as we enter the next phase in our Wycliffe ministry. We have never lost sight of the goal to get the Bible in every language that still needs one. How our ministry looks is changing. We still very much believe in the mission of Bible Translation and plan to continue with it in the future. For now, we are on a journey of faith and are striving to be the best parents to our little blessing. We believe that God will continue to provide everything that we need, just as He has been.

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So today is Mother’s Day. Whether you hold your babies in your arms or Jesus holds them in Heaven, happy Mother’s Day.

Passing a Candle for Liam

 

Please pray for a special member of my online community.  My heart just breaks for her and her family.  They discovered a few weeks ago that their sweet baby, that should have been their rainbow, had Trisomy 13 and was incompatible with life.  Their precious baby went to heaven this Saturday at 17 weeks, 1 day.  His name is Liam and he is loved by more people than he will ever meet.

I saw the most beautiful outpouring of love this weekend.  For 24 hours, from Saturday night until Sunday night, nothing was posted on the board except for candles and messages of love for sweet baby Liam and his amazing mother.

Please keep this family in your prayers.

I Will Carry You (Audrey's Song)

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this
People say that I am brave but I`m not
Truth is I`m barely hanging on
But there`s a greater story
Written long before me
Because he loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to his voice
And he says

I`ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you

525, 600 Minutes - How do you measure a year?

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One year ago, we said "see you later."  I'm looking forward to 2013 being a brighter year.

Reflections

The last 12 months have been months of great reflection for me.  This post is me being very open and honest.  2012 was a journey of faith for me.  I saw some pretty dark days, some even in the last few weeks.  I did not get through this year by my strength.  God and I went through some battles.  I never want anyone to think this year was easy for me or that I never had bad days.  I asked a lot of unanswerable questions.  The biggest one was, "WHY?"  I don't understand why Steve and I were thrown into this battle.  We had just given our lives to join the mission field.  Why this?  Why now?  Some people believe that just the fact that pain and suffering exists in the world suggests that there is no God.  Could God remove all pain and suffering from the world if He wanted to?  I think He could, but would we still have our free will.  God could have created us as robots forcing us to love and follow Him, but He didn't.  He wants us to choose Him.

This year shook my faith to the core, but as hard as it was I think I'm getting better for it.  Don't misunderstand me, I'm angry and God and I have had some talks that would my mother cringe.  I don't think God is afraid of our angry when we don't understand.  In fact, I think he wants us to come to Him with those questions.  I hate the Christian platitude, "everything happens for a reason."  Whether that's true or not, platitudes like that are rarely helpful. 

I had a friend, that I've never met in person, described her relationship with God as "shaky."  She was searching and, who knows, she may have been almost there, but now she is even farther away. 
-->Her words "I will admit, mine was shaky before we lost our baby and that loss is really what put the final nail in the coffin for me."  Those words made me angry.  Not angry for what happened to us, but for what happened to her.  Why? Why did you take her perfect baby  when you could have used it to remove a nail, instead of giving her another one.  I don't understand.  God, please don't let her put that final nail in the coffin forever.  Even though I went through some angry, shaky times this year, when a nail was offered to me I somehow always gave it back.  I know that Satan would have loved it if I gave him the satisfaction of walking away from God.  How many other people around are putting that final nail in?  I don't have any answers for them.  I'm walking this same journey of life that they are. 

What conclusion have I come to for me?  There is so much hurt and evil in the world that I don't understand.  There are questions that I won't ever understand until I'm standing in front of Jesus.  I think God grieves with us.  He knows what it's like to lose a child.  I believe that if I walk away and give up my relationship with God He would grieve even more for that.  I am going to continue to cast my anxieties on God because I really believe that He cares for me.  I don't think I would have it through this year without that belief.

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Our Date Night

I can't believe this year is almost over.  It's been quite a year of ups and downs.  Today, we are remembering what could have been if things turned out differently earlier this year.  Last night, we needed a date night, since Steve works tonight.  He said that we could go anywhere that I wanted to.  I wanted to try Cheddars.  We hadn't been there yet and I had heard pretty good reviews of it.

The biscuits that came with the salad were absolutely delicious.  Steve got the Braised Beef with mashed potatoes.  The mashed potatoes were heavenly.  The beef was good too.  I wanted to get the Chicken Pot Pie, but they were all out so I got a sandwich...very tasty.

Our food came out really fast, but our server was a little slow with our drinks.  They were pretty busy though.  She was really friendly.

After dinner, we went to the dollar theater to see Hope Springs.  It's a movie about a couple that has been married for 32 years and they go on a week long marriage enrichment trip.  It was actually pretty funny.  It's not a movie to bring kids too.  It's rated PG 13 for a reason, but it's tastefully done.  Marriage was portrayed in a positive light as something worth fighting for and not something you just throw away.  I liked that since so many movies nowadays try and portray marriage as something negative that should be avoided.  It was an honest movie with some humor thrown in.

The Anchor Holds

Ray Boltz - The Anchor Holds

I have journeyed
Through the long, dark night
Out on the open sea
By faith alone
Sight unknown
And yet His eyes were watching me 

CHORUS:
The anchor holds
Though the ship is battered
The anchor holds
Though the sails are torn

I have fallen on my knees
As I faced the raging seas
The anchor holds
In spite of the storm

Ive had visions
Ive had dreams
Ive even held them in my hand
But I never knew
They would slip right through
Like they were only grains of sand 

CHORUS
I have been young
But I am older now
And there has been beauty
That these eyes have seen
But it was in the night
Through the storms of my life
Oh, that's where God proved
His love to me
CHORUS (repeat) 

Let Your Light Shine

Let your light shine out
make it big and bright
Let your light shine out
deep into the night.
Let Your Light Shine

Let your light shine out
for the whole world to see,
like a flower as pretty as can be.

Yes, let your light shine out
making it spread about
to every creature & everyone
making it a happier place under the sun.

Written by Sue Chevalier on August 3,1996

October: A Month for Women and Hope

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month
On October 25, 1988, President Ronald Reagan proclaimed that October would be Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.

• Approximately 1 in 4 pregnancies worldwide will end in miscarriage.  
• Approximately 75% of all miscarriages occur in the first trimester.
• An estimated 19% of the adult population has experienced the death of a child (this includes miscarriages through adult-aged children).
  
  "When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn’t a word to describe them." - Ronald Reagan

Domestic Violence Awareness Month
This year, YWCA Week Without Violence is October 14-20, 2012.

• One in every four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime.
•  85% of domestic violence victims are women.
• Historically, females have been most often victimized by someone they knew.
• Boys who witness domestic violence are twice as likely to abuse their own partners and children when they become adults.
• 30% to 60% of perpetrators of intimate partner violence also abuse children in the household.

 Breast Cancer Awareness Month

10 Things Tuesday: My Week in Pictures

It's been a really busy few weeks at work. I know that I missed last week's 10 Things Tuesday and today is a day late. Let's call this 10 Things Tuesday - Wednesday edition.

1. 
   
2. 
   
   
3. A few weeks ago, I posted on 10 Things Tuesday how excited I was for a friend who after 2 losses and her husband beat prostate cancer, that they were pregnant with their "hopefully" rainbow baby.
   
   
4. Yesterday at their 16 week appointment, they couldn't find the heartbeat.  I'm so heartbroken for them.  It's just not fair.
 

4. When I think about the struggles that many people go through to have kids, my problems don't seem so big anymore.

5. I absolutely love the place I'm going for my massage therapy.  Everyone is so nice. If you make an appointment and tell them that I referred you, than I get a free massage!  
6. Tuesday is family trivia night at our friend Jean's house!
  

7. My husband had the whole day off from both jobs yesterday. I came home from work to find that he did laundry, dishes, vacuumed, cleaned the bedroom, and the kitchen.  He even did some Wycliffe work.  He had a productive day.

8.

   

9.

10.

If You Want Me To by Ginny Owens

If You Want Me To by Ginny Owens 

The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Chorus:
Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

ya oh oh no

So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley If You want me to 

Psalm 34:18 - The LORD is close to the brokenhearted

^{Psalm 34: 14-18}

¹⁴Turn from evil and do good;
   seek peace and pursue it.
 ¹⁵ The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous,
   and his ears are attentive to their cry;
¹⁶ but the face of the LORD is against those who do evil,
   to blot out their name from the earth.
 ¹⁷ The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
   he delivers them from all their troubles.
¹⁸ The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
   and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Orlando!

Everything went so smoothly today.  All our flights took off and landed on time. I felt so at peace and not anxious today. It was almost like angels were directing us. I even found a penny while boarding the Orlando flight.

Thank you to everyone for your prayers.

I Found a Penny Today

I Found a Penny Today

I found a penny today
Just laying on the ground,
But it's not just a penny
This little coin I've found.

Found pennies come from heaven
That's what my Grandpa told me,
He said Angels toss them down
Oh, how I loved that story.

He said when an Angel misses you
They toss a penny down,
Sometimes just to cheer you up
To make a smile out of your frown.

So don't pass by that penny
When you're feeling blue,
It may be a penny from heaven
That an Angel's tossed to you.

Easter Weekend

I think Easter is my favorite holiday.  Easter is about celebrating the resurrection of Christ.  Without the resurrection, we have no Christianity.  If the story ended on Good Friday with Jesus on the cross, then Jesus was just a great teacher.  But the story didn't end there. 
Matthew 28:1-10
After the Sabbath, at dawn on the first day of the week, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went to look at the tomb. There was a violent earthquake, for an angel of the Lord came down from heaven and, going to the tomb, rolled back the stone and sat on it. His appearance was like lightning, and his clothes were white as snow. The guards were so afraid of him that they shook and became like dead men.
The angel said to the women, "Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay. Then go quickly and tell his disciples: 'He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him.' Now I have told you."
So the women hurried away from the tomb, afraid yet filled with joy, and ran to tell his disciples. Suddenly Jesus met them. "Greetings," he said. They came to him, clasped his feet and worshiped him. Then Jesus said to them, "Do not be afraid. Go and tell my brothers to go to Galilee; there they will see me." (NIV)

 Steve and I both had to work on Saturday, but after work we had dinner with some friends.  It was nice to leave the house and spend time with people outside of work.  Overall, it was a good Saturday.  Sunday, we got up for church like we always do.  There is always something special for me about Easter Sunday at church.  After church, we ate some lunch and cleaned the house to get it ready for our visitors.  Then we went over to my parent's for some Easter dinner.  I really do have the greatest family on the planet.

Monday was my dad's birthday, so after work we met for dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings and went bowling.  It's probably years since I've been bowling.  I scored 93.  I was nice to get out of the house again.  Third time since I've left the house for something other than work or grocery shopping in week or maybe months.  I'm looking forward to a hopefully relaxing and healing vacation next week. Overall, it was a great weekend.

I Need a Change

I woke up yesterday morning with something I haven't had much of in the last few months; hope. I woke up feeling rested and feeling ok.  I almost felt weird.  I am been exhausted for so long.  I got up, went to church and work, then came home and had a somewhat productive evening.  I worked on some online class work and did some dishes.  I even made dinner for Steve when he got home from work.  Last night was probably the first time I actually cooked a whole meal for dinner in months.  I know that sounds weird but with our busy schedules and not being home much for dinner together and the stresses of life, I just did not feel up for cooking or eating actually.  Then we even went out to see some friends watch WWE with them.  I haven't left the house except for work or grocery shopping in quite awhile.  I never would have guess wrestling would the first thing, but these are great friends.  I felt like the fog that's been weighing me down was lifted off.

I don't think this means that I still won't have my "bad days".  This doesn't mean that I understand God's plan now.  I decided that I need to make some changes though.  I decided that it's time that I really make the commitment to get healthier, not just physically but spiritually too.  I'm going to make a real effort to exercise on a regular basis, eat healthier, and drink more water.  I need to get into the word and pray more, so I don't give the Devil a chance to take me down again.  Will getting healthier change the results next time? I don't know but something happening once is a statistical change, but twice is a pattern.  Doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result is the definition of insanity and right now I'm on the precipice of insane.  

I owe it to those I love to become better.  I'm ready to see what God has in store for the future.

"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see." Hebrews 11:1

This is what I know

I know: God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. Romans 8:28

I know: God has a plan for each of us. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

I know: God knew each one of us and had a plan for us being we were even born. "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well. " Psalm 139:13-14

This is what I know, but sometimes I just don't understand.  I am holding on these promises because I don't have anything left.

He gives power to the weak
and strength to the powerless.
Even youths will become weak and tired,
and young men will fall in exhaustion.
But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.
They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
They will walk and not faint.
Philippians 4:19

God Did Not Give Us a Spirit of Fear

We have pretty nerve racking things in store for in the next coming months and years.  This year so far has been filled with so many ups and downs.  I have been able to hold it together pretty good think considering everything that has gone on.  I'm looking forward to new adventures that we have in store, but I'm fighting the urge to get very nervous.  I know that no matter what happens that God's strength will get us through it.


For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.
2 Timothy 1:7

60 days into 2012

So, we are now 60 days into 2012. This year so far has been quite a whirlwind of emotional ups and downs.

Habakkuk 3:18 yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior.

Strong Enough by Matthew West

You must
You must think I'm strong
To give me what I'm going through
Well, forgive me
Forgive me if I'm wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own

I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough, strong enough
For both of us

Well maybe
Maybe that's the point
To reach the point of giving up
Cause when I'm finally
Finally at rock bottom
That's when I start looking up
And reaching out

I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough, strong enough

Cause I'm broken down to nothing
But I'm still holding on to one thing
You are God and you are strong when
I am weak

I can do all things through Christ who
Gives me strength
And i don't have to be strong enough (2x)

I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough, strong enough
(fade to end)
[- From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/m/matthew-west-lyrics/strong-enough-lyrics.html -]

Monsters Inc: Fighting the Monsters Within You

I have learned that when bad things happen to you, you have two choices. You can become bitter and angry at God and the world or you can become better and stronger. I choose to become better. There are monsters all around us that want to steal our joy: impatience, hurt, anger, envy, bitterness, greed, loneliness, guilt, etc. The trick is to call them out and find ways to combat them. I find that worship music, the old hymns, really helps me.

You have to tell the voices in your head, that seem so loud, to be quiet.  I wish it wasn't so hard. I find myself failing a lot. I have found that if you are not careful that impatience can turn into anger, angry can turn into bitterness, and bitterness turns into envy. Envy is a horrible emotion. Envy not only steals your joy, but it robs you of feeling joy for someone else.  Guilt speaks loudly in your ear when you are alone.  What did I do wrong?  You go through every moment in your mind and wonder what you could have done differently.  The Devil would love it if I gave in and let him win.  He would love it if I got anger at God and walked away from His love.

I have chosen to lean in to what God is teaching me. If we don't learn something during life's trials, then the situation was wasted. It had no purpose. What is God trying to teach me? I don't know that yet. Even when I feel alone and just want to scream, God is there. While I try and find an explanation, God is there telling me He has it under control. Have I hit the acceptance stage? Hardly. Do I feel better today than I did yesterday? Yes, so far.

I am choosing to become better. I am choosing to move forward and not live in the past.  I am choosing not to let the monsters steal my joy for one more day.

2 Cor. 12:9-10: My Grace is Sufficient For You

2 Cor. 12:9-10
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Philippians 3:12-14
I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me. No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it,d but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.

Do I truly believe this? I am made stronger in weakness.  Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." It sounds good and I want it to be true.  But do I really believe it? I am looking forward to God's plan for us this year.  The best is yet to come.
Psalm 40:5